Toxic Positivity: The Negatives of Positive Thinking

Are you seeing the forest for the trees when it comes to positive thinking?

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Positive thinking - and our responsibility with it - is something that’s a hot topic in the New Age community. It seems like every time I turn around, someone well meaning is telling a person that he or she should “look on the bright side” or “choose the better feeling thought.”

In addition to the two above, here is a list of “positive thinking” statements that pop up in spiritual communities:

• If you had dealt with your anger, you wouldn’t have gotten sick (or attracted X negative experience.

• Are you practicing gratitude? Gratitude shifts everything.

• I’m sorry you lost your loved one, but s/he is in a better place.

• If I think too much about what happened, I will attract more “bad” stuff.

• It could be worse.

• Focus on the fact that your loved one is at peace.

• Maybe the illness/death/breakup is a blessing in disguise. Be open to what it is teaching you.

• Are you going deep enough? Maybe you’re spiritually blocked.

• Let go of your negative feelings. Just let them go and you’ll feel lighter.

• That’s your ego talking.

• How did you subconsciously cause your situation?

• You choose every experience.

• Pain is an illusion.

Yikes.

So, let me disclose something. I’ve said some of these things. I’ve absolutely taken part in what is known as spiritual bypassing.

Chances are if you’re reading this, you may have too. You may know someone who says and believes these things.

Am I saying that we aren’t responsible for our actions? Nope. We absolutely are. We also have the ability to change our lives and our thoughts.

But check yourself to make sure you’re not taking part in spiritual bypassing - of yourself or other people.

What is Spiritual Bypassing?

Spiritual bypassing is a term coined by Buddhist and clinical psychologist/psychotherapist John Welwood. He was the Director of San Francisco’s East/West Psychology Program at the California Institute of Integral Studies, among many other accolades. Spiritual bypassing is when spiritual beliefs are used to avoid or minimize painful or difficult issues.

Real Life Example

Many moons ago, I used to teach classes on manifestation and law of attraction. One of the women in the class was in a hard situation and it was having a major impact on her. She was unable to sleep and often seemed filled with anxiety. One day, we were chatting and - since I believe that writing helps everything - I asked if she kept a journal.

“Oh, I keep a gratitude journal.”

“That’s great! But do you also keep a regular journal about your feelings?”

She looked at me, her eyes wide. Then she shook her head. “I couldn’t do that.”

“But maybe writing down how you feel on any given day would give you some relief?” I said.

And the answer hit me in the gut. She said…

”If I write about how I feel, I will attract more of it.”

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a woman say some variation of this , I would have a lot of dollars.

And it ticks me off. I feel sad about this because really this is all internalized shame.

Put another way, this is the same concept as “I made God mad and now I’m being punished” only in the New Age tradition it becomes “I didn’t manifest well enough and now I’m sick/lost a loved one” etc.

Can We Allow Our Humanity? Can We Feel All of It?

We are HUMAN and we deserve to feel ALL OF OUR FEELINGS without worrying that

• we will make ourselves ill

• we will have an “ego”

• we will “attract” something “even worse”

If we don’t get gritty and real about where we are, we won’t feel where we are. And then we can’t -eventually - transform out of that place.

The Negatives of “Positive Thinking” or Manifestation

I love the concept of manifestation and Esther Hicks/Abraham. I love Louise Hay and her You Can Heal Your Life philosophy. There are some very real truths to both of those teachings. Allowing is good. Relaxing into a flow and breathing into that truth works. There’s great power and value to these beloved and awesome teachers.

However, sometimes those key and groundbreaking teachings get talked about in a way that avoids getting real. A big thing that Abraham-Hicks actually talks about is GETTING REAL. Feeling your anger. Feeling your grief. Letting it be ok. Staying real. Allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel in that moment as long as you need to - and then slowly moving up out of that.

Does that work?

Sometimes. But what about grief and loss?

Can You “Manifest” Your Way Out of Grief?

Grief is a process, not a straight line. You can grieve a loss and move through stages - and then be right back where you were six months ago. That’s ok. That’s how grief works. However, all feelings are normal and natural. It’s ok to accept where you are and go from there.

That’s the transformation point - and often that transformation point sucks.

It can be scary.

It can hurt.

It can be fun.

It can be exciting and badass.

But rarely does a transformation happen overnight. It’s a process.

Sometimes things just suck.

We are powerful as hell - but sometimes life is larger than us.

Can You Manifest Your Way Out of Illness?

I lost a parent to cancer. Along the way, people told her all kinds of things, including well meaning family members.

if my mother worked on forgiveness, she would heal herself. If she let go of the past, she would heal herself. If she did reiki six times a day and let it all go, she would heal herself.

Guess what? She did all of those things. She still passed out of her physical form.

A few years later, another relative - one of the well meaning relatives who felt forgiveness could heal my mom - developed a similar illness. I had all kinds of feelings and questions about it - mom and this relative had grown up in a toxic system. Could that have caused similar illness points? Could the combined pain of childhood trauma taken root? Yes, maybe.

I believe we can do good things for ourselves. We can connect even tighter with whatever our version of the Divine is in times of sickness. We can find our own path to healing. That’s all (I believe) true. There is a mind/body connection.

But - we have to leave space for love and compassion. Can we give ourselves space for the unknown?

If someone is ill or if you’re struggling with an illness, I so encourage you to feel everything you’re feeling. You didn’t “fail” at “manifestation” because you have cancer or AIDS or even a weekend cold!

Getting Real About Feelings

The below quote comes from the incredible John Brown, former attorney and author of Soulshaping.

All of this wrapped up in a neat little bow from Jeff Brown.

Let’s allow ourselves authenticity.

There are more emotions than love and joy. If you really feel those things, GREAT. That’s wonderful. But please know it’s ok to feel other feelings too.

We have to embrace our own humanity. So if you’re angry, or if you’re sad, or you’re happy (and you know it clap your hands), please express it.

The universe will still listen to you. It will still hear you.

xo,

Marissa